Changing validity

We get as much validation as we give out. It's a karma thing. We reap what we sow in the "giving validity" department.

We all have experiences of being invalidated by others. We get shot down by cheap shots. We get bullied by power-trippers and put down by guilt-trippers. We get labeled as deviant, defective or deficient by control freaks. We're not "normal", acceptable or included. We get pictured as "one of them" to point fingers at, to blame for what happened or to accuse of feeling the wrong way.

With a boat load of invalidation in our history, we believe what we're experiencing. We internalize the abuse and invalidate ourselves. We're said to have low self esteem, chronic insecurities or an inferiority complex. Unconsciously, we ask for trouble, create re-enactments of painful episodes and believe in the worst that could happen. We harbor deep psychological wounds that won't heal.

When we're inundated by all this invalidation, we wallow in self pity. We take hostages with our neediness and seek commiseration. We're convinced we cannot give validity to those who invalidate us. We invalidate them with our convictions about getting wronged, hurt or betrayed by them. There's no way to find validity in what happened to us. We opt for bad karma and get what we dish out. Nothing is forgotten or forgiven. Nothing changes.

In truth, what happened to us is valid. That truth will set us free. That validity will come to mind when we change points of view. We stop knowing what to think and change our questions. We wonder about other points of view, ways of seeing and frames of reference that might apply. We embark on an adventure of mysteries, discoveries and reversals.

One other point of view we will discover sees matching luggage with people who invalidate us. They are hurting as much and in similar ways as we are. It's no coincidence they are in our face. They act out differently but start from the same place. Seeing how much we have in common gives validity to the relationship.

Another point of view sees the creativity involved in changing points of view. We'll realize how to give ourselves validity when no one else does. We can take the invalidation as lessons to learn about self respect. We create a change in our typical reactions from resisting what happens to realizing the pattern of occurrences. We can add a slight twist to the usual drama by validating how we always manage to survive these encounters and feel our feelings when this happens. From within, we grow a sense of resilient composure, inspiring confidence and resourceful courage.

A final point of view brings closure to all this. We'll see how we've grown from the adversity, and got unstuck under pressure. We learned to go within by going without validation outside. We gained the ability to see others' pain by getting hurt by them. We get how we can give validity to everyone and everything that happened. We are free of our past history and patterns of pain. We let go of what we thought and felt for so long. We sow seeds of validation and get what we deserve.

When we go from getting invalidated to giving validity, we've been through a life-changing experience. The change is drastic, deep and transformational. We come out of the change with a new outlook on life, others and ourselves. We're coming from a very different place where it pays to give validity to everything.