Thinking about spiritual problems

We think about physical problems without even trying. We so good at that, we think about most spiritual problems as if they're physical ones. Many of us don't even have the concept of spiritual problems which call for a very different approach. When we regard spiritual problems as physical problems, we make more costly problems for ourselves.

Physical problems call for defensive action. We may be in danger of getting suffocated, burnt, frozen, starved, poisoned, stabbed, choked, crushed, or dismembered. The threat is physical so the effective solution is equally physical. The kind of thinking we do in these situations it literal, reactive and focused. We launch into taking immediate action that attacks the problem with a vengeance. This is no time to take a longer or more nuanced view of the dangers. There's no tolerance for solutions which rely on our imagination, creativity or divine inspiration.

Spiritual problems, on the other hand, call for defenseless action. They present evidence of conflict between two or more living intentions. Solutions can be found in the spirit of connection, common interest and fearless faithfulness in invisible sources of solutions. The opposing interests need an approach that blesses it, shows no resistance to it and extends peace to it. The solutions come to minds which are calm, receptive and expectant. The solutions work for both living intentions in ways that cannot be foreseen by defensive outlooks.

In my personal experience with spiritual solutions, they often involve:

• letting go of my own one-sided interests and my fearful belief in the conflict
• understanding the conflict as a lesson for me, a wake-up call or an opening to a bigger understanding
• denying the evidence of conflict in favor of an imagined resolution, freedom for all and transformation of the situation
• getting underneath the opposing demands to their underlying issues, concerns and secondary interests
• framing the other side as predictable when it maintains the conflict and as mysterious when it makes peace
• making a unilateral concession to change the tone, de-escalate the context and demonstrate my intention to collaborate
• giving the opposing interests permission to persist until they come to more disturbing realizations

Spiritual solutions like these do not come to mind when we assume we're dealing with physical problems. We become far too tense and reactive to receive this kind of inspiration when we being defensive. We're assuming we need attack the problem with a vengeance, not surrender to it. We have no faith in any ongoing process, invisible assistance or influence when we're out of control. It's only when we're thinking the problem is spiritual that we can acquire the harmonious sense to do the right thing for all the interests.

Thinking about being right

It's unusual for us to think about being wrong unless we've acquired the emotional baggage which insists that we're always wrong/never right. We usually want to be right at all cost. To be wrong can feel devastating and dangerous. Psychologists label those dreadful feelings: "cognitive dissonance". We feel exposed to others' abuse, putdowns and rejection when we're wrong. It feels like the rug has been pulled out of our confidence, composure and our ability to comprehend others.  Thus, we feel the urge to be right even when our rational minds think better of it.

This insatiable need to the right becomes a prison. We're captivated by our chronic insistence on never being wrong. There's no escape when can detect in our thinking about being right. It's obvious we could admit to being a clueless idiot, total loser, or worthless individual -- but where's the sense in that? We've got blinders on our panoramic vision. We're looking through a peep hole from our prison cell unaware of our huge blind spots and tunnel vision.

When we're thinking conventionally about being right, we're trapped in an ideal of self-righteousness. We see others wallowing in blatant wrongfulness. We're exalting ourselves in a way that will be our ultimate downfall. We cannot imagine how to get off our high horse or to eat a slice of humble pie. We're stuck on ourselves and cannot get unstuck without being unglued and crazy.

There's another way to think about being right which does not make others wrong. We find there's some significant freedom in thinking about being right. We can be right about there being:

• more to learn, discover and explore
• more common ground, shared interests and parallel agendas
• more partial understandings to combine with the other side of the coin
• more processing, conversing and comparing viewpoints to do together

We then abandon our positional stance and switch to trusting an unfinished process. We give up knowing everything already and become curious again. We stop trying to save face and intentionally face conflicting ideas with receptivity and compassion. We're right about how others' being right can help us become better informed, broad minded and creative. We're thinking about becoming right while being partially wrong for the time being.

Thinking about others

Yesterday, I finished reading Ori and Rom Brafman's latest book: Click - The Magic of Instant Connections. Their new book is loaded with great stories of people feeling like they clicked when they first met. It shows the benefits to thinking differently than we are usually doing when we don't click with someone. Rather than summarize the message of this useful book, I'll extract the lessons in it for the ways we can find freedom by changing how we're thinking about others.

1. When we think we're in danger of being criticized, rejected or mocked, we get defensive. Rather than let our guard down, we put up walls of self-righteousness. If we think in the opposite way, it's likely we'll click with the others. To make ourselves vulnerable, we need to use humbled thinking which admits we might be wrong or disappointing. We show them respect by valuing their assessment or our qualifications, worth or contribution.

2. When we think we're too far apart to seem recognizable or familiar to others, we create that experience. We assume we're a stranger to them when we pass by. We fail to smile, say hi or start a conversation. When we think in the opposite way, we create the contrary experience. We think we've been close enough for others to regard us as familiar. We offer a knowing smile, friendly hello and start of conversation that can generate an instant connection.

3. When we're struggling with what to say and do, our panicked thinking makes us seem to others as aloof, insensitive and self-obsessed. We put others off with our insecurities. When we're in the zone and flowing with a inspired sense of what to say and do, we naturally click with others. We create the impression of being in a great place that includes the others without any apprehensions.

4. When we dwell on our differences, we create more evidence of how dissimilar we "really" are. We shoot down the possibilities of what we have in common. We see others as "them", not one of "us". When we think we have a lot in common, we see proof that makes us right about that. We get how similar we "really" are. We speak and act on that basis which generates lots of rapport.

5. When our struggles are private and our pain is strictly personal, others keep to themselves as well. We assume nobody cares enough to trouble them with our heavy burden. When we think we're in the same boat with others, we naturally share what we're going through amidst our common adversity. We comfort others and lend them a hand in light of our intimate familiarity with their struggles, pain and limitations.

6. When others look to us as predictable, we relate to them routinely. We go through the motions of making conversation with them and find there's nothing new to explore. We create superficial and boring conversations. When others appear mysterious, fascinating and unpredictable to us, our upgraded thinking comes true. We find there is so much to discover and connect with as we cover new ground, pose new questions and relate to new facets of their lives. We learn a lot which fuels our further explorations in follow-up conversations.


Perhaps you're recognizing a pattern here. We always have a choice between different ways to think. Some ways are better than others in giving us freedom from unwanted experiences, emotions and thinking. Every way we think creates self-confirming experiences. We get to be right in our own little worlds even if it's lonely and we're feeling misunderstood. We can get out of those enclosures of self-torment by changing our thinking.

Many kinds of thinking

Most of us assume that thinking we do is simply thinking. It is what it is. There does not appear to be different ways to think, only more thinking to do. There also seems to be no way to stop the thinking that fills our minds and steals our attention.

Contrary to all these assumptions, there are many different kind so thinking we can do. We can change the kind of thinking we're doing. We can also stop thinking and experience the present moment with joy and inner peace. Here's eight kinds of thinking to help you better choose and change the thinking you're doing.

• Hysterical thinking goes overboard with complaining by "awfulizing", "demonizing" or "catastrophizing" a minor incident into a big upset.
• Even-handed thinking finds fault in oneself as well as others which translates complaints into more insightful views of others and oneself.
• Stinkin' thinkin' rationalizes self-destructive behavior with a mixture of denial of the costly consequences and justifications for the toxic behavior.
• Humbled thinking admits to the toxicity of the behavior and cost of the consequences without yet knowing how to change.
• Irrational thinking ignores the actual facts and indulges in wild speculation with a paranoid imagination to become extremely apprehensive, belligerent or defensive.
• Rational thinking faces the facts and applies logic to define the problems accurately and decide on further actions.
• Panicked thinking goes into flight or fight mode in the face of danger, jumping to conclusions while dwelling on dichotomies.
• Creative thinking considers different ways to see what seems obvious while inventing new possibilities for what is far from obvious.

Now you can assume you are doing one of many kinds of thinking at any given moment. Rather than simply do more thinking, you can see the possibility of doing some better thinking. You may even find ways to do less thinking and occasionally stop thinking altogether. Peace be with you.

Freedom via not-knowing

Most of us have been raised to figure things out by thinking about them. We'll define our lack of freedom as a problem and try to solve it. We won't realize we are maintaining the problem by this approach. There's no end to incessant trying when we make a thing of thinking. Freedom will be found by not thinking ourselves into a fixation.

Likewise, most of us are proud of knowing something. We get embarrassed when we don't know something as if it's test to see who has the right answer. We make freedom into something to know and not be mistaken about or misinformed. Freedom will be found when we know enough to not know what it is or where to find it. That has been the goal of this series of blog posts.

• When we don't know something we exhibit curiosity about what is unknown. We value what is missing in our understanding. We treasure being innocent. We are living the questions.
• When we don't know something, we are empty of preconceptions. We provide space for new ideas to come to mind. We are open to receive new insights. We are a container to be filled with what we don't already know.
• When we don't know something, our minds are fluid. We can explore previously inconceivable possibilities. We are flow out of rigid concepts into more imaginative combinations and configurations. We yield to obstacles and move beyond them gracefully.

When we know enough about our freedom, there's lots we don't know. We may know what it is in concept, but not know where it is right now in our lives. We may know how to find it, but not where to look for it in this moment. We may know different ways to create the experience of freedom, but not know which way to explore next. When we're not knowing too much about freedom, we're free to be more free and to free others.

Enough said.

Freedom via successful searching

We all have experiences with finding what we're looking for. Search engines and shopping online have made it even easier for us to successfully search for something we want. When we desire more freedom in our lives, it's not as obvious how to succeed at finding it.

Freedom is more difficult to find because most people are devoted to captivity, control and power over others. Good luck finding a job listing for candidates seeking freedom on the job. How many hotties have you dated that hoped you were looking for freedom from their neediness, clinging and dependency on you? How many family members want you to be free of your past history with them, confinement by their belief systems and identity formed by how they mirrored you with their own biases?

It's typical to become afraid of freedom. Other's fear of getting liberated becomes contagious. We catch on to mistaken ideas about the dangers of freedom. We worry about becoming too different, getting ostracized and feeling alienated. When we act on fears like these, our fears prove to be true. We confirm our initial premises and believe in them even more.

It's almost guaranteed we will "seek and not find" freedom when we utilize our left brain cognitive strategies to find it. We'll dichotomize freedom as the total opposite of captivity and rule out freedom in our present situations. We'll compartmentalize freedom as having nothing to do with getting work done, ongoing relationships or our life-long learning. We'll make freedom into a category that very few experiences fit into when we take freedom literally.

We'll succeed at finding freedom when we're clear of fear. Our left brain can stop repressing limbic hijackings and partner with our right brains. We can imagine being free right now and get more inspirations about how to increase that. We can get a sense of where there's freedom in this moment and go check it out right now. We can feel gratitude for the freedom we've already found and tune into more possibilities on the horizon. We can innocently wonder about freedom and receive what we need to make our next move.

Freedom via liberating indifference

Don't you care about this?
How can you be so insensitive?
Why don't you show more interest in this?
What's wrong with being deeply involved?

Ordinarily we think of indifference as a bad thing. We've got voices in our heads that espouse the guilt trips listed above. We equate indifference with cynicism, coldness or rudeness. We assume we are supposed to be anything but indifferent.

Our past history can hold us prisoner. We let something that happened to us define our destiny. We let the incident determine our fate and luck. We can hear ourselves pronounce our prison term anytime we speak of what always or never happens to us. We already know there's no way it can happen any differently. Our life is a done deal that cannot be broken or renegotiated. We've cast a spell on our lives that brings along a series of unfortunate incidents.

Rather than think about this self-imposed imprisonment every day, we put our captivity into our unconscious. We keep the defining incident in denial and pretend we are free of our past. We don't realize we're living in our past, repeating our past and confined to what happened in our past. We opt for pseudo freedoms that give us the feeling of escaping without the fact of being free.

The first step in becoming really free is to make what I've just described conscious. We get out of denial and into "what is". We face the facts of what happened and what a big deal we made of it. We become realistic about how we've trapped ourselves in patterns we don't enjoy or outgrow.

The next step is to put the past behind us. It's no longer true for us. It can stop defining our fate and destiny. That previous incident goes from denial to "what is" and finally to "so what". We've become indifferent in a liberating way for us, the people in our lives and our future experiences.

With our past really behind us, we can face forward. We can explore what-if questions. We anticipate what will use our talents, energize our passions and expand our horizons. We discover challenges we want to put ourselves up to and opportunities we want to face. We can imagine ourselves in these situations and play out scenarios of creative fulfillment in our minds. In the process we get the feeling "I can be this, do this and get these results". We've spawned some serious freedom.

Freedom via seeing perfection

When we're not seeing perfection, we're feeling trapped, obligated, endangered or distraught. We've got a feeling like we need to do something else, change our approach or react under pressure. We cannot let go, enjoy this or simply be with it all. It's not perfect as is.

Things are rarely perfect. Anything we identify as a noun or label as a thing cannot be consistently perfect. It may be limited, costly, burdensome, deteriorating or difficult to control. It takes our attention away from freedom to deal with it. We lock it into a fixed category, rigid perception or known commodity. We trap ourselves by making a thing of it.

Processing can be perfect right now:

• How perfect this came along now, took this much time and didn't come sooner!
• This fell together into a perfect combination that works together much better than either in isolation!
• The way this happened to get accomplished seems perfect to me
• These changes are unfolding perfectly

Perfection is out of our control. We don't make it happen or understand it completely. Perfection is amazing to us because it seems beneficial to us while being larger than anything we manage to accomplish. Perfection enchants us by being somewhat mysterious. It frees us from our usual worries, struggles and regrets. We're free to be grateful for, fascinated with and trusting our situation.

Perfection is neither logical, precise or literal. It's not a category, label or ideal concept. Perfection simply happens. We become aware of perfection when we experience what is happening, how it's happening and why it's happening to us. Perfection is loaded with personal significance. It "has our name written on it" as it happens in our world. It appear meant to be, meant for us and meant to happen right now. We get the perfection without being in control of it.

Appreciating degrees of freedom

The more freedom we see without envy, the more freedom we will find in our own experience. We will find ourselves in a state of mind where the ideas and motivations will come that take us in the direction of more freedom. This means we are powerful enough to create more freedom by simply choosing to see all the freedom in our present circumstances.

Freedom of choice: A pencils and soda straws are free to roll off a table when pushed perpendicular to their length. They cannot stand up or roll end over end when moved. Each has one degree of freedom that allows it to roll forwards or backwards in one direction only. We are experiencing one degree of freedom when we've got a choice between staying or leaving, doing something or not, and persisting or dropping it. When we're limited to one degree of freedom, we can see it, appreciate it and use it. We can also devalue it for not being two or three degrees of freedom and even feel like we've got no freedom at all.

Freedom of grounded movement: Pedestrians, bicycles and cars are free to move in any direction on the ground. They cannot fly or go underground. Each has two degrees of freedom that allows free movement on an inclined or horizontal plane. We are experiencing two degrees of freedom when we play by the rules of the game, explore new territories with our physical senses or use tangible tools to get things done. We can appreciate these two degrees of freedom or seek sympathy for not having a 3rd degree of freedom to experience.

Freedom of flight: Kites, airplanes or hot air balloons are free to move vertically as well as in every horizontal direction. Each has three degrees of freedom that allows it to soar above the ground. Insects, birds and seeds also show us this freedom that defies gravity and the usual need for surface traction. We experience three degrees of freedom when we change the rules of the game, revise our strategy for exploring new territory, or formulate a plan for using the tools to get things done. We transcend the level of task, progress and productivity to be more resourceful, clever or efficient. It can feel like flying when we get above the problem like that. We can treasure this much freedom or wish we had more.

Freedom to disappear: Fog, clouds and rainbows are free to vanish. They do not need to "exit stage right" or leave by moving within the volume of space. They exhibit four degrees of freedom that allows them to wink out in an instant or fade out of sight slowly. We experience four degrees of freedom when we feeling like all is possible in this moment. We may transcend our physical and historical limitations to seem to be everywhere all the time. We can become one with everything here as if now is the only time that is real. We may extend our consciousness beyond this space-time reality construct to a fifth dimension of experience. When we experience four degrees of freedom, we are not only here in this world of appearances and not entirely eternal either.

Freedom via creating it

What if freedom is a work of art? Then we would need to ask lots of other "what-if" questions to break out of the box and get creative.

What if the freedom we can create is actually a side effect of freedom already in the creative process? Then the more free spirited we are at imagining our next experience of freedom, the more freedom we will create.

What if freedom is an experience found in enjoying any creative output? Then we are creating experiences of enjoyment when we have it in mind to create freedom for ourselves and others.

What if freedom comes about by mixing things like painters mix colors and musicians mix sounds? Then freedom might get discovered by trying out different combinations of effort and inspiration, seriousness and playfulness, or pragmatism and flights of imagination.

What if freedom is a solution to a design problem? Then freedom could be provoked by the constraints that appear to limit and oppose freedom until they reveal their possibilities for inspired expression.

What if freedom is what we embody when we're clear of fear? Then freedom can abound when we do our thing regardless of what people think while caring deeply for our art, materials and message.

What if freedom is an artistic expression of our true nature? Then we will naturally create freedom when we disrupt our mistaken identities and be ourselves for what it's worth.

Freedom via flowing

In every moment, there is something to say "Yes!" to and take the next step. Right now things can go from good to better or from bad to worse. All we have to do is find the good and go from there to experiences of freedom. It's that easy and also extremely difficult for most of us.

Our left brain cognitive strategies dwell on negatives. They identify the rocks in the way, not the way to flow between or around the obstacles. These left brain strategies find what's wrong in order to fix it. They identify problems to solve regardless of how that keeps them around. They define what's unacceptable to complain about it as if resisting it has nothing to do with persisting it. They focus on what's inferior, less adequate or revolting to feel better in a weird way.

When we rely on this kind of thinking, we cannot find the flow or go with it. We create our own captivity in a nightmarish world. We have no idea how there could be something to right now to say "Yes, bring it on, more please" and really mean it. We become increasingly convinced that flow is for the lucky ones in very different situations than this one. Meanwhile things are going from bad to worse and it seems necessary to dwell on the negatives.

When these same left brain cognitive strategies try to find something positive, the results are usually laughable:

• the sky is not falling (yet)
• it not really reoccurred since last week
• it could be worse or much worse than this
• I'm not complaining, just observing the facts
• it only sucks some of the time

When we are in the flow, our right brain serves up wonderful inspirations while things are going great on the outside. We're feeling fluid enough to drop one thing and get something else done in the meantime. We get ideas for better sequences for the tasks we're working on. We work around anything were we've gotten stuck, lost motivation or ended up frustrated. We then happen to come back to that when the time is right, a new approach has been hatched or inspirations are coming in a stream.

When I'm in the flow, I experience many more synchronicities (chance occurrences that are too perfect to be merely coincidental). I'll just happen to turn on the TV and catch something that I was wondering about. Something will catch my eye while driving or shopping that makes easy work of something I thought was going to be difficult. I had an inspiration out of the blue today to use a different tool to do a better job of pulling weeds out of lawn by the roots. There's nothing to trivial, insignificant or temporary to miss out on going from good to better with ease.

The flow gives us freedom from struggles, worries and frustrations. We feel guided, looked after and helped along on our journey. We are given what we need in each moment in the form of ideas to consider, motivations to take action, hesitations to do it later, and happenstance that fits in perfectly.

Freedom via mapmaking

Back in grade school, I loved to make maps of our part of town. I'd jump on my bicycle to check out an unfamiliar street and pedal home to update the map I was drawing. I thought it was so cool when I learned there was an age-old discipline called "cartography". I also thrilled when I was being shown maps by my grandfather or studying maps on my own. I took this passion up a level in college when I learned visual problem solving, diagramming and architectural drawing. I now view mapmaking as a road to freedom.

When we have something in mind, we can recall pieces without the sense of how they all tie together. When we listen to group conversations, panel discussions or meetings, our minds are full of varied viewpoints. When we've read a bunch of blogs in one sitting, our minds can be a jumble of ideas we want to consider more deeply. In all these instances, we're trapped by information overload, confusion or unresolved contradictions. We're looking for some freedom and meaning in this madness.

When we draw something, we invoke our right brain cognitive strategies. We're using our imagination to visualize something. Our integrative cognitive functions perceives patterns in data and connections between disparate elements. We say things like "I see your point", "I get the picture" or "I foresee these two things interrelating somehow". We connect the dots into a map where the connections mean as much as the nodes. We visualize how two ideas are aligned with each other or two people are close or far apart on an issue. We place abstractions in space to orient ourselves and draw new conclusions. We create charts and diagrams to capture the inter-relationships that are neither sequential or causal.

When we're in need of more mapping, we come across as very judgmental, intolerant and biased. We cannot see both sides of an issue or a use for opposing stances. We take positions against other approaches that end up shooting ourselves in the foot. We devote ourselves to left brain cognitive strategies as if we're locked into some kind of danger. We trust our logical reasoning that confines our understanding to lists and causal sequences. We unwittingly make things worse and trap ourselves in our own confining outlook.

The quality of our thinking improves when we've mapped out our understanding. We formulate better alternatives and make better decisions with multiple maps in mind. We see how conflicts go in circles and problems perpetuate themselves. We sense how to get into energizing virtuous cycles with more panoramic awareness. We relate to both sides of an issue from a third vantage point. We see the good in the bad and some harm in the good. We transcend dilemmas by embracing inarticulate paradoxes. We perceive freedom to explore where others see obstacles, limitations and enemies.

Freedom via messing around

Don't tell me that!
I can't handle that being the truth!
Those cannot be the real facts!
Stop shattering my comforting illusions!

We learn early on to stop messing around with reality. When we're in denial, we're told to face the facts. When we're delusional, we're supposed to do a reality check. When we're hysterical, we simmer down and deal with what's actually happened. We get the idea that messing around is a bad thing. We become realistic and say things like "it is what it is". We take pride in being objective and factual.

When we stop messing around with reality, we've gone from the frying pan to the fire. We've stereotyped messing around as only a bad thing. We're missing out on all the freedom that is available by messing around with reality. We've dealt ourselves a prison term until we start messing around for our own good.

There's a good way to mess around with reality that's different from denials, delusions and hysteria. We own our "selective perceptions and attributions" of "consensually validated evidence". We accept the facts but play around with the meaning. We deal separately with our objectivity while we explore our own subjectivity. We observe what is as well as what we make of it.

When we find this freedom in messing around, We change the definitions of problems. We revise our diagnosis of what appears to be going wrong. We reframe what we see in light of what it could become and what it's showing us to change, combine or balance. We tell a different story about what happened and what we're going to do about it. We change our mind about what we see before the world looks any different to our eyes.

Here are some the freedoms that are easy to find by messing around with reality:

• I know this looks dangerous, but it appears to me as an opportunity to stretch myself and explore new territory
• It obviously appears as a setback, but for me it's a wake up call about what I was overlooking and ignoring
• You could say it's a failure of mine, but I see it as a successful experiment to discover what I really want
• I agree it looks like a useless problem, but it also provides some secret satisfaction to keep the problem going
• It definitely looks impossible, but appearances can deceive us and mislead us away from following our heart's desire
• I know that's the logical solution, but some clever deviance will get the job done sooner and better than following procedures
• I agree it has to be done, but not when or how or why it has to be done -- while there are so many different approaches to this

Freedom via letting go

Most of our memories of letting go are painful. We recall agonizing losses where we missed someone/something terribly. We don't want that to happen again -- so we cling to things (and people we treat like our possessions). We also avoid feeling that bad again, so we are highly motivated to hang on to what we've got. We become hard wired to NOT let go. "Finding freedom via letting go" seems absurd and inconceivable.

Knowing how yucky it feels to let go, we implicitly understand when others desperately want to take us prisoner. We relate to their clinging, neediness and dependency on us that seems to necessary to feel good about themselves. We play the martyr -- making a noble sacrifice of our needs. We give buckets of attention and get droplets in return. We go without getting understood, asked about, and really related to -- in order to avoid those dreadful feelings of abandonment, loss and emptiness. We accept these prison terms of engagement even though it feels like being confined, trapped or taken hostage. Inside these entanglements, we cannot feel our true feelings or know what we really think. We're kidding ourselves to keep from breaking out of our consensual captivity. We keep things fake and superficial to not disrupt the dance of desperation. We don't admit to ourselves what we really want to: give to relationships, change from our present arrangements and get in return for our giving.

In the context of all this captivity, there's lots of freedom to be found by letting go. We find our deeper feelings and feel real for a change. We discover the truth of what we want and how free we've become to go for it. We realize the sacrifice we made and our new freedom to stop paying the price. We uncover hidden choices we did not know we had or ever considered before. We let go of "who we think we are" and "what happened to us". We even begin to see familiar situations with a new pair of eyes, vantage point and frame of reference.

After we let go, we're empty in a good way. It's not a hollow feeling of getting eviscerated or left behind. We're free of preconceptions that limit our possibilities. We are open to unexpected changes. We don't know what things mean at first. We watch life unfold with lots more fascination. We live more freely than we ever imagined was possible when clinging was our thing.

Freedom via generosity

There are many freedoms in our lives that we've lost track of in our conscious minds. We take them for granted because they don't change from day to day. These freedoms don't "make news of a difference" as Gregory Bateson would say. We no longer have the immediate, tangible experience of being free in these ways.

We cannot make ourselves be grateful for forgotten freedoms without those attempts at the gratitude feeling fake, contrived and manipulative. We naturally appreciate whatever increases, improves and changes for the better. We're inclined to pay attention to whatever moves us and makes constant things same different to us. We're grateful for genuine experiences of freedom.

Whenever we share freedoms we've already got, we get that we have them to give. We become conscious of them indirectly. When we give others experiences of freedom that we are able to create, it comes back around as immediate, tangible, experiences we're grateful for. When we make a difference in others' lives, we experience that difference as freedom in our own lives. It pays to be generous with our taken-for-granted freedoms. Here's some of the ways we do that easily:

• freedom by access: I'll take you there, get you inside, go there with you, show you the way to get there, walk you through the paces
• freedom by understanding: I'll clear that up for you, save you some confusion, tie it into some familiar things, give you some examples you can relate to
• freedom by expertise: I'll get that done for you, solve those problems, handle those issues, produce those results for you
• freedom by economic surplus: I'll pay for that, put it on my tab, absorb the cost, cover those expenses for you
• freedom by capability: I'll use my tools, get what we need from my inventory, call upon my support system, handle the logistics from my end for you
• freedom by savvy: I'll steer you clear of the pitfalls, forewarn you of deceptions, alert you to scams, safeguard you from rip-offs
• freedom by compatibility: I'll work with you on this, collaborate with your intentions, help you sort this out, provide a sounding board for you

When we're generous in these ways with our freedoms, our beneficiaries experience many other freedoms. They feel liberated from their worries, hassles, confusion, apprehension, despair, obstacles and limitations. They find freedom in our relating to, caring for, supporting and serving them. As we let in their experiences of freedom, we get reminded of our own freedoms that made it possible.

Freedom via sincere fascination

When we can see the larger pattern in our experiences of getting mismanaged, we're on the brink of finding authentic freedom in the situation. The next step is to realize that "mismanagement" is a label that comes from a judgmental place. We're putting down those who put us down. We're in a vicious cycle of reacting to reactions, doing unto others as they do unto us. The escape from the perpetual conflict requires some forgiveness, humility and sincere fascination.

Seeing how the bullying is fallout from managers getting hammered by schooling, we can take the pain we're feeling less personally. We can understand how these managers have been driven to acts of desperation. We can see how they are mismanaging us by flying on unconscious "autopilot" rather than more perceptive intentions. We can allow that we may have some experiences in common where we've been devastated by mistakes we've made. As we seek freedom in this, we find we can forgive their transgressions and let go of our past experiences with them. We can start over.

When we've achieved some respectable competencies, it's natural to be full of ourselves. Our accomplishment sets us above those who have not achieved equal stature. We take pride in what we worked to know, practice and produce. Unfortunately, this makes us both hard to live with and easily misunderstood. Our condition calls for a slice of humble pie or a face plant so we bite the dust. Our comeuppance needs a come down. When we get off our high horse, we can see eye to eye with others who we've perceived as mismanaging us. We create a level playing field. We join together in creating freedom from the past misery.

Once we're free of resentment and superiority, we can be filled with sincere fascination. We can wonder about the manager's perceptions. We can show respect before expecting to get respected. We can seek to understand before getting understood. We can give a gift of freedom before cashing in on the one we want to receive. One way to show sincere fascination is by inquiring into the manager's understanding of some unfortunate occurrence:

1. What's the history that led up to this as you see it? Help me through the timeline of events that ended up this way. What previous incidents now appear as forewarnings to you as we look back in hindsight?
2. What's your theory about why this happened? How do you make sense of the evidence that this setback was not prevented, mitigated or forestalled? What explanation do you favor for understanding how it could occur at all, to this extent or at this time?
3. What's your forecast of what will happen if nothing changes? What kind of troubles are we headed for if we do nothing to prevent a reoccurrence? What's the price you foresee being paid if we simply let this go and see what comes of it on its own?
4. What's your recommendation for taking action? What do you think needs to be done about this right now? How do you anticipate getting a different outcome the next time around? What do you have in mind to change the situation for the better?

I've taught these four lines of inquiry to many students. They have come back to tell me their sincere inquiries transformed the managers who exhibited patterns of bullying them. Combined with forgiveness and humility, getting fascinated about these inquiries is a ticket to freedom from mismanagement. Have fun with them!

Hammered by schooling

Yesterday, I explored how the dynamics of contagious fears produce chronic mismanagement. With that in mind, it's possible to become free of the ways we torment ourselves when we feeling mistreated. Mismanagement appears meaningful to us, instead of senseless, wicked or inept. Another pattern that plays into chronic mismanagement emerges from the side effects of schooling. Here's some features of that pattern:

1. Managers assume they are still in school, as if schooling prepared them for life and both situations play by the same rules. They're making the grade at work.
2. These managers are cannot catch their own mistakes anymore than they could grade their own homework papers. They need others in positions of authority to tell them when they have done the right thing or fallen short of expectations. They "manage up" as if their livelihood depends on it. They cannot "manage down" effectively because they look condescendingly on those beneath them.
3. They are afraid to make mistakes or admit they made an error. They imagine they will get: marked down, bad grades or held back from advancements -- if they make mistakes that get caught. When they make an error, they're devastated, as if they are mistaken to try and succeed in this line of work. If it's a stupid mistake, they're convinced they are really stupid. They cannot earn other's respect because they lack self-respect. They run an image campaign instead of exposing their need to learn more on the job.
4. These managers live in fear of getting exposed for their incompetence, insecurities, ignorance and inferiority. They stick to their own kind and avoid comparisons to "the smart kids". The collusion among these equally-frightened managers provides false reassurances that they are good enough to "pass the test". They avoid pushing each other's hot buttons or exposing each others shortcomings.
5. They cannot learn from what happens as a result of their efforts, from feedback from colleagues or from their own mistakes. Their minds have been closed after receiving so much criticism, such frequent invalidation, so many performance expectations and relentless pressures to meet with others' approval. They have been hammered into a piece of sculpture that never changes.
6. When a subordinate appears smarter, more competent or faster at learning from mistakes, there's a crisis of confidence among these managers. Alarm bells go off as if their hot buttons have been pushed and their dark secrets have been exposed. The obvious comparisons are devastating in their minds. The "low-life's" competence poses a serious threat that calls for retaliation.
7. The managers are then filled with unconscious urges to "bully the smart kids". The managers can dish out abuse, but they cannot take it. They are over-compensating for their own insecurities. They go to great lengths to mishandle their competent underlings.

Advice to manage their subordinates more effectively falls on deaf ears. These managers equate "managerial effectiveness" with "loading your assassin's gun with bullets" or "shooting yourself in the foot". It makes no sense to show any kindness to those competent underlings "who get good grades without trying". It makes all the sense in the world to mismanage them.

The first step in finding freedom in these situations -- is to recognize this pattern established during schooling. Acting competent will backfire. Acting incompetent, clueless and inferior is no better. Freedom comes after more discoveries get made beyond this pattern (to be continued).

Meaningful mismanagement

Don't you want me to be productive?
Why don't you want to keep me employed by you?
What have you got against employee job satisfaction?
How can you desire high turnover and low morale?

I had these questions in mind whenever I have not been self-employed. Effective management practices appeared good for customers and the bottom line, as well as fellow employees. Getting mismanaged made no sense to me, especially since I was admired for my productivity, cooperation and initiative. As far as I could tell, I was not being singled out. Everyone I worked with was feeling the effects of mismanagement.

Later in my career, I was helping clients manage their staff more effectively. Again, I encountered senseless mismanagement. Even when professional advice from my colleagues and I was readily available, there was profound resistance to managing people effectively. After a decade of management consulting gigs, I was starved for meaning and freedom. At that time, I started reading two non-fiction books a week and have not stopped since. I found the meaning I was looking for and then the freedom. Mismanagement now makes tons of sense to me. I'm free of it upsetting me, puzzling me or disrupting me. It's something that happens for good reasons. Those reasons perpetuate themselves in spite of the obvious benefits of effective management processes.

Here's one of many patterns of mismanagement that take on a life of their own:

1. The business gets into some kind of external danger: the brand is getting tarnished, a rival is gaining market share, the local economy takes a nosedive due to layoffs elsewhere, etc.
2. The top executives imagine paranoid scenarios where things are going from bad to worse. Their minds rely on left-brain cognitive strategies. They're poised to take action in order to survive, yet diagnoses or decisions made in this frame of mind will backfire.
3. It becomes clear to their dichotomous reasoning exactly who is a friend and foe, a team player or prima donna, and who is good for survival or a traitor in their midst. The top executives' fear becomes highly contagious as subordinates catch the drift of their paranoia, intolerance and anxiety level.
4. Those perceived as internal enemies get treated as second class citizens, outsiders to the inner sanctum and troublemakers. Mistreating them seems justified to gain control of the external situation. Top-down directives are not to be questioned, challenged or contradicted. Messengers get be shot down as they attempt to minimize the harmful effects of mismanagement. Short sighted and misguided decisions undermine the quality of work, reputation, service levels, productivity, cost controls and morale.
5. The most competent, talented and resourceful employees quit their jobs. The ability of the company to respond to the external challenge is crippled. The original fears of the top executives appear completely justified. The next time an external threat appears, top management will imagine things going from bad to worse and reenact the pattern.

In short, mismanagement becomes extremely prevalent when top management is running scared of external changes they cannot control. The dangers appear real. Their fears seem justified. Their reactions become necessitated by the dangers. The destructive and counter productive effects seem incidental in the context of the company's survival getting put in jeopardy.

Freedom on the job

My own employment experiences gave me lots or room to maneuver, choose my own approach and deliver results in the best way I saw fit. I found freedom on the job. In hindsight, this came easily to me because I was working in fields that involve a lot of creativity (architecture, management consulting, teaching problem solving). It also helped that situations made it necessary for my managers to take a hands-off approach to overseeing my work.

Freedom on the job is a contrast to getting mismanaged. Most satisfaction surveys show more than half the employees feel like they are doing time in paycheck prisons, handcuffed like slaves to a machine or resenting their indentured servitude. Freedom is nowhere in sight and inconceivable in those oppressive situations. Here's four ways that freedom contrasts with captivity and shows you whether more freedom can be found where you work:

Free to choose: When responsibility has been delegated to us with the necessary authority to fulfill the expectation, we feel free. We are trusted to get results without being told how to get it done. We may be in charge of a project, account or team. It's up to us to make decisions, learn from our mistakes and discover better ways to get things done. When we're deprived of this freedom, responsibilities have been dumped on us without the needed authority. Our hands are tied. We're not free to choose without the review and approval of higher-ups. We're getting micromanaged by control freaks who are cracking their whip and pulling our chains.

Free to relate: When we can reach out for help to coworkers and other departments, we've found freedom on the job. We extend our reach, use our influence and gain respect outside our circle. We find we can understand others and get understood by them by building bridges. Our conduct engenders increasing coordination, cooperation, communication and commitment. We feel others have got our back, scout the horizon and guard our flank as we take risks. When this freedom is obstructed, we cannot cross lines departmental lines or penetrate silos. We're careful to stay out of the cross fire of turf battles and character assassination attempts. We learn to feel safe inside bunkers, fortress mentalities and isolation chambers.

Free to be outspoken: When it's safe to tell it like it is, we feel free at work. We can speak our mind, call the shots and voice our opinions. We will discover if we get branded as a complainer or respected as a keen observer of what's unfolding. We can point out when the emperor's new clothes are vaporware or leadership is killing the goose that lays the golden eggs. When this freedom has left the building, we experience intense conformity pressures. Everyone appears to be buying into the propaganda and checking their brains at the door. Evidence of brainwashing suggests it's better to be silent and compliant than observant and outspoken.

Free to take ownership: When we feel good about taking initiative to follow-through and protect our investment, we've found freedom on the job. We discover it's rewarding to care about more than we're required to by the policy manual and job description. We can show interest beyond our scope of duties and benefit from stretching our comfort zone. We get a better sense of our strengths and weaknesses as we test our limits and take our game up a level. When freedom is a distant dream at work, we get punished for taking added responsibility. We hide behind our job description and volunteer for nothing. We learn lay low and stay out of the searchlight in the prison yard. We may be so overworked by mandatory overtime or the rework of others ineptitude, there's no time to take initiative. If fear is instilled by cleaning house, downsizing, or promoting the kiss-ups, the motivation to act like owners will vanish.

Sometimes freedom is there to be found and enjoyed on the job. In other situations, its nowhere to be seen and cannot be found. Considering these four ways to find freedom will help you decide if there's more freedom on your job to be discovered or not. You can then get confidence that you're seeing you job accurately. You can rest assured that you're not missing something, blinding yourself to the obvious or passing up opportunities.

What happened to you?

Life happens
Whatever, no worries
Take life as it comes
Don't sweat the small stuff
Let it be

These are outlooks on life that are free of getting defined by what happened to us. It's rare to be so free and vastly allowing. We typically identify with some of what happens in our lives. We find particular experiences so captivating that we declare "I am this thing that happened to me". We make a big deal out of it and get dealt with accordingly.

As we get better at finding freedom and meaning, we become "connoisseurs of captivity". We develop a refined taste for the different ways we can trap, limit and impede ourselves. We discern how limiting different identities are. We see how getting captivated can have harmful effects on our personal freedom. We fall for the trap we set by identifying with what happened to us. Here are some of the ways we define ourselves in limiting ways:

I'm a chip off the old block. I'm a carbon copy of one of my parents. It's in my genes to be this way. I can't be different without altering my chromosomes. I'm defined by what I inherited from by relatives.

I'm in recovery from past horrors. I'm a survivor of how I got abused. I'm damaged by what happened to me. I can't act like it didn't happen to me. I'm defined by how I've been previously mistreated.

I'm committed to get this accomplished. Count on me to do what I've done before. Consider me to be as reliable as a good tool. I'm defined by what I've done before. I am my job.

I'm going to fix things so it does not happened again. I'm opposed to more occurrences and the harm it does. I'm about confronting, fixing and battling the factors that maintain the problem. I'm defined by need to make a change.

Each of these ways we get captivated limit ourselves unnecessarily. They play into the perpetuation of problems and unintended consequences. They fall short of creating experiences of freedom and meaning. They necessitate further anxieties, reactions, entanglements and regrets. They fail to find balance between caring about something meaningful to us and feeling free of the captivation.

We can get into just as much trouble going to the opposite extreme. We can become indifferent, cynical, and alienated. We discern lots of insanity in our midst without finding any exits. We can take what happened to us to make sure that nothing happens to us again. We see how to not get caught up in meaningless escapades without ever finding new opportunities. We get sidelined by our awareness of a pervasive lack of freedom without creating significant experiences of liberation for ourselves.

When we successfully find freedom and meaning, we take what happened to us as a launch pad for our next adventure. We avoid a repeat of what happened while going for a refinement, renewal or inspired realization. We profit from the past while investing in the future. We start over with our valuable experiences in the bank.