Moving between brain states

For the past week, I've been connecting the model of five Brain States from Wired for Joy with my own models. It's occurred to me that we move productively between brain states, as well as go directly to Joy/Brain State One. As I pondered that possibility, here's the framework I developed:

When we're in Brain State 2, we're feeling good. Our thinking and feeling processes are balanced. We're getting our needs met, in part because our feelings provide reliable guidance and self motivation. Our relating with others proves to be mutually beneficial, validating and encouraging. There are times when these experiences might suddenly disappear. Thinking might become excessive and leave us feeling bored, exhausted and stressed. Our needs may stop getting met or even recognized as valid needs. Our feelings might become unreliable, anxious and urgent. Our relating may become one-sided, taxing and discouraging.

When such losses occur, one option is to use the Feelings Check Tool to restore Brain State 1. We could also upgrade our thinking down in Brain State 3 to get back everything we were experiencing in Brain State 2. It's likely that we relying on flawed reasoning in Brain State 3 which needs upgrading. We could restore the balance between our thinking and feeling by:

• complicating what we think is the one right answer with two ways to go about it, two situations that call for it or two premises for considering if it's right
• realizing the thing we're dwelling on is also a process with a life of its own which is moving toward an unpredictable future by involving many other factors
• taking the facts that upset us into the realm of varied perceptions and attributions, subjective frames of reference and stories to be told about the facts
• considering what's missing in our one sided explanation, how to integrate the opposite approach or how to do both instead of only one or the other

When we're in Brain State 3, we're "a little stressed". We're trying to live up to some ideals and to realize some goals. We're keeping up appearances and seeking others' approval. We're thinking our emotions will get us into trouble if we flip our lid, follow those urges or take out our frustrations on others. To maintain the necessary self control, we indulge in rigid thinking and adversarial tactics to keep others in line. These experiences might suddenly disappear if we became ambushed by unexpected setbacks, embarrassments or confrontations. We may get a hot button pushed which leaves us feeling betrayed and exposed as a pretentious fake. We may sabotage our own ambitions with lurking inhibitions, blockages and fixations. We may become possessed by embarrassing and unproductive moods. We may indulge in regrettable outbursts, proclamations or revelations.

When any of these changes come over us, we can use the Emotional Housecleaning Tool to get back to Brain State 1. We could also upgrade our self concept, goals and projects by:

• exploring the scenario of meeting with widespread disapproval and discovering what we value in ourselves regardless of others' opinions
• considering the possibility of a blatant failure at living up to imposed expectations in order to uncover deeper, more respectful expectations we harbor for ourselves
• writing out the passionate rejection, condemnation or indictment of others to get it out of our system before burning up the paper it's written on
• taking a break to do something worthless, unimpressive or even disgraceful to dismantle our own perfectionistic hidden agendas

With this framework in mind, we have more choices of where to go from an undesired Brain State. There's work we can do that leaves us in better shape for future enjoyments. We become less of a burden to ourselves and others while restoring what we experience as beneficial in Brain States 2 & 3.

Leapfrogging into joy

Laurel Mellin has given us a wonderful gift with her Cycle Tool for use in Brain State 4. Wired for Joy shows us a way to leapfrog over Brain States 3 and 2 directly into 1. We can catapult our emotional state from feeling stressed, needy and upset to feeling joyful, serene and compassionate. By realizing the stress circuit is open when we're in Brain State 4, we can uncover the unreasonable expectation which sponsors our troublesome, emotional reactions. Through a process of grinding in a reasonable expectation, considering the pain of it and its rewards, a profound mood-shift occurs. A feeling of joy dawns on our minds which have found no prior escape from overwhelming anxieties.

Another tool for leapfrogging into joy was given to us by Connirae and Tamara Andreas in their 1994 book: Core Transformation. I'm personally aware of this tool working for people in Brain State 5. It works with very dark urges without judgment or control. The process explores desires that arise after the previous one gets imagined to be fulfilled. Fortunately, the initial, cold blooded, vengeful desires evolve into a state of the Core States of Being, Inner Peace, Love, OKness and Oneness. Like the Cycle Tool, Core Transformation can be used independently.

Once we're in Brain State 1, Wired for Joy advises us to use the Sanctuary Tool. We connect with a safe place within and then feel compassion for others and our own bodies, selves and surroundings. We can expect a surge of joy from this process.

There are several other approaches to this Brain State that I've used for years with delightful results. Here's four that I would include in an expanded "Sanctuary Tool":

Counting our blessings: When we adopt an attitude of gratitude, our mood shifts. We realize how abundant we are right now, fully equipped for the present challenge. We notice how we've been answered, supplied and supported. We see how much of our lives are working in our favor, functioning adequately and getting things done that we need to be accomplished.

Facing the mystery: When we disrupt our chronic need to be right, in the know and on top of the situation, we can open to what we don't already know. We can wonder about different ways to get something done, the best timing for it, how much to do, what to keep in balance, what combinations might work better and what it might mean for us personally. When we take this approach, life seems much more mysterious. We become like children filled with curiosity, questions and fascination. We can enjoy our inability to predict the future, know the answer or be in control of what happens.

Expanding our awareness: When we take our attention off the task at hand, there's much more to let in. We can extend our eyesight as far as we can see. We can listen to sounds in the distance. We can smell our surroundings and heighten our sense of what is touching our skin. This approach can give us an oceanic feeling of oneness with everything. We enjoy an inclusive embrace of "all in all" without judgment, restrictions or fears.

Losing track of time: When we disrupt our thinking about our past and future, we can fall into the present moment with pleasure. We can immerse ourselves in the immediate experience of being here and now. We can "stop the world" and start what has no history to remember and no future to consider. No thinking is required whenever we're consumed by the present moment.

Situating Wired for Joy

I am very impressed with the EBT model presented in Wired for Joy by Laurel Mellin. One way to convey how valuable I'm finding this book is to situate it among four other outstanding books in the therapeutic field. Wired for Joy replicates or improves on successes in these other approaches to changing our minds, moods and behaviors.

It's easy to produce temporary change that snaps back to the status quo after a interim show of improvement. This was defined as "first order change" in the seminal book: Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution. Wired for Joy avoids this pitfall superbly. Making change at the neurological level produce lasting change (second order change). the EBT model makes a change in how change happens from merely understanding the problem in a better way, getting advice on solutions or agreeing to try something different. Making the change for oneself sets up an enduring improvement, unlike attempting to change via dependency on a professional therapist, surrogate parent or wise elder. The second order change also occurs because Wired for Joy realizes how the change is stressful to an already stressed out mind and how our emotions need our acceptance as well as strenuous upgrades.

When the tools in Wired for Joy get successfully applied, people experience a "pop"; a felt shift in their mood. This experience suggests a change in neuropeptide production as well. This reminds me of "third and fourth order changes" defined in Depth Oriented Brief Therapy. These profound experiences do not occur when a therapist makes a pathological diagnosis of the symptomatic problem or the client gets stuck complaining and trying to get rid of that problem. The transformation of outlook, self concept and worldview occurs when the "pro-symptom stance" gets understood and accepted. The "emotional truth of the symptom" comes to the surface, resonates deeply and evokes a feeling of relief that the underlying impulses make sense in their own context.

When we suffer from over-reacting to provocations or getting consumed by compulsive urges, we identify with the problem. We think "I am this", not "I have this problem" or "this happens to me sometimes". One of the breakthroughs in Narrative Therapy occurs when the client externalizes the problem. They consider "what gets into me sometimes" and "what does it want". They tell a different story about what happens without their being the problem. This also occurs within the EBT model. Users of these tools realize "it's only a wire" and "this too shall pass". Getting wired for stress is something that happens to everyone. Getting wired for joy is something that can happen to anyone who chooses to upgrade their brain circuits.

Back in the eighties, a new approach to psychological interventions emerged called "brief therapy". It was repeatedly shown that significant results could be produced in six weeks that had not been realized in five years of conventional therapy. Some of the practitioners became alarmed that they were falling into the trap of telling clients how to live, rather than empowering clients to live as they choose. Wired for Joy escapes this trap by giving clients the tools for each brain state and the framework for identifying their current brain state. Users of the EBT model are effectively empowered to resolve their issues on their own schedule with their own motivations.

Wired for Joy draws a distinction between hedonic and eudonic pleasures. This parallels the difference between "pleasure worlds" and "quality worlds" in Choice Theory. William Glasser's research into addictive behaviors found the people were not getting their need for authentic relationships met. This lack of congruence resulted from getting controlled, manipulated and isolated, which then produced symptomatic behaviors. The lures of pleasure worlds became addictive because the need to compensate for deprivations was incessant. When authentic relating replaces getting controlled, their other needs get met, their intrinsic pleasures seem more fulfilling and they felt much more congruent. Wired for Joy also captures these upgrades in relationships and the switch to getting personal needs met according to reliable feelings (in Brain State 2).

As I've made all these connections between my reading of Wired for Joy and some of my other favorite books, I've found all these ways to appreciate the high quality of the EBT approach. I'm also finding facets of the approach I would do differently with the intention of making it even more effective and accessible. (to be continued)

Believing in stark contrasts

We often picture some of our beliefs as deeply held. We experience them as strong convictions that defy revision as our lives improve. We also experience these deeply held beliefs as lacking in nuanced assessments of complex situations, opportunities and outcomes. Here are a few examples of believing in start contrasts:

We may believe:

1. that success is an all or nothing proposition that vanishes with the slightest hint of failure
2. that our satisfaction depends on being better than everyone else without exception
3. that we have to be right at all cost and cannot afford to make a mistake or get proven wrong
4. that a pattern of misfortune always happens when we least expect it, even though we always expect it to occur
5. that we have to be the one in charge so as to never get bossed around, power-tripped or compromised by others
6. that any sign of disapproval is clear indication of total rejection, invalidation and intolerance
7. that any work we do has to be perfectly flawless and beyond criticism in order to seem acceptable for others to see it

Each of these beliefs go to one extreme to avoid the opposite extreme. They reject the middle ground as no different from the extreme to be avoided. These beliefs dismiss tentative interest in less extreme alternatives as kidding ourselves, wishful thinking or a lack of realism.

The problems with extreme beliefs are obvious when we see them take effect in others' lives. However, they seem unmanageable in our own experiences and more like problems we've learned to endure. Attempts to defy these beliefs seem futile and prove to be short lived. The beliefs win every time in the end.

We cannot change our beliefs by finding fault with them. We need to search for a non-pathological diagnosis that reveals the "solution in use" by the deeply-held belief in stark contrasts. Here's some of the payoffs from believing in stark contrasts that we're likely to find down in the depths of our psyches:

• taking a load off our slow, energy-intensive thought processes
• setting ourselves up to make fast, reliable judgments in "fight or flight" situations
• avoiding the danger of getting deceived, manipulated or betrayed by others' advice for us
• establishing some autonomy from clinging and controlling relationships
• going for self respect amidst a tribe colluding on low standards, excuses and self pity
• overcoming one's own inhibitions, hesitation and hang-ups that interfere with personal courage
• becoming exceptional to avoid getting labeled as "one of them" or identified with mediocrity

When we become aware of payoffs like these, we realize we no longer have a problem to fix, we've got a "solution in use". With this new perspective, we can create even better solutions without "throwing the baby out with the bath water". We see the good in the deeply held belief and how to achieve something even better. It's not necessary to give up all the payoffs. We can pull off the paradox of changing our belief in stark contrasts while keeping the payoffs from previously believing in stark contrasts. We meet in the middle where the conflicted interests in change and stability find common ground. We maintain the deep commitment to solutions in use while upgrading to a better solution.

Using feedback to change identities

As I explored yesterday, our initial self concept is the product of feedback. We get the idea of who we are from how we are seen by others. We incorporate what comes back to us when we put ourselves out there. We're already playing the game of keeping score and knowing the score. We've adapted to the rules and know what will get us in trouble. When we start getting feedback about our personality, we are usually bewildered. It' seems like we're getting told to change the result of the feedback we previously received. We getting messages that put us into a double bind.

For example, if people are being mean to us when we assume we're being nice to them, we may infer we are not being nice enough. We then adapt to our read of the situation by becoming more nice. We then get the feedback that we're too nice and don't know how to respond to that. We may stand up for ourselves when people oppose us and realize they still oppose us. We then stand up for ourselves even more and get told we're obnoxious even though it's good to stand on our own two feet. We may see others as being too serious and try to have fun. We'll watch as them become even more anal. We'll then become even more spontaneous, unpredictable and fun loving. This gets us feedback that we're out of control and uncivilized when we know we don't want to be a sourpuss.

We cannot use the feedback we're getting on our initial identity when it comes across this way. We're inside a vicious cycle that resists what persists, reacts to reactions and opposes the opposition. We're looking in a mirror and thinking we're not seeing ourselves at all. What's out there is no reflection of what we're putting out there. There's no real feedback when it appears we're really being misread, misunderstood and misrepresented. We know we're right about how we're coming across and where we're coming from. There appears to be no way out of this conundrum. We want to get along and get hassled instead. We want to fit in and get into fits anyhow. We intend to connect and get tied up in knots.

The way out is through the looking glass. We step into our reflection to enter a different world. We see what's in the mirror as something that's not in our way, rather it's a way out of our dilemma. We stop reacting to feedback and realize the system that continually produces it is really acting in our favor. We do ourselves a favor that favors others as well.

We may get told we really are a jerk or are acting like a real jerk. We initially oppose the opposition by seeing anyone who could see us that way or say that to us as a jerk. Our identity depends on rejecting the feedback and maintaining our composure. When we reflect on what's really going on here, we realize we are looking in the mirror after all. We are acting like a jerk whenever we see the other is a jerk for telling us we're a real jerk. We point three fingers back at ourselves with the same hand that points out what a jerk they are. We own our potential to react with a knee jerk instinct to protect ourselves, be the one who's right and know who's wrong in an instant.

We may also get told we "have a lot of nerve" to say what comes out of us as outbursts and to act the way we do on impulse. We figure that has to be wrong headed of them to see us that way. We're way better off than those who keep a lid on things and get too uptight to have any fun. We look down on those who keep getting on top of the situation, asserting their authority, and looking down on our frivolity. When we reflect on this strange arrangement, we realize the reflection in the mirror is looking down on us as we look down on them. There's no looking up to each other, looking directly at each other or looking out for each other. All the looking is condescending, arrogant and rude. We suddenly see opportunities that we're there all along to look up, at and out for the others. Our identity gets spontaneously transformed by this new found freedom.

We may also get the impression we're a "high maintenance" family member, coworker or friend. We'll learn others see us as a drama queen, an insecure clinger or an insatiable parasite. We know this cannot be true because we have good intentions and care about others a lot. When those overly dramatic people who say this about us look like mirror reflections of our own hysterics, we get the picture. We see how to change what we do in front of the mirror and watch the mirror change what appears in it. If we want people to cling to us, all we have to do is act clingy and cling to those who cling to us. If we want people to respect us, we put self respect out there, show others the same respect and see it come back like it was there all along. Our self concept changes to identifying with our power to change what appears in the mirror after we successfully reflect on what appears there now. We can be whoever we choose to be once we choose to be who we are right now. We become complete with one adventure and free to play again.

Initial self-concepts

In a superb comment on Believing in receiving abuse, Michele said

The other challenge, as you point out, is that you have to change your self-concept to adopt new behaviors. You have to see yourself as being worthy of being in a different place. In some ways, what can help is to "fake it till you make it," practicing new behaviors until they feel more natural and you've earned that new of feeling about yourself. But for the changes to stick, you really do have to undergo a fundamental shift in how you see yourself--it's the only way that the new behaviors can become unconscious and natural to you.

One of the biggest challenges in changing our self concept is our initial experience that we obviously did not create the one we've got to live with. It appears to us that the world gave us our self concept without asking us who we suspect we are, how we really feel or what is our sense of who we're becoming. Instead, we start out as the product of how we are regarded, talked to, treated, and responded to by others. Who we think we might be or wish to be -- gets shot down by these contradictory inputs. We infer who we must really be based on how our presence plays out in the world. We connect the dots of what happens to us into a picture of who we must really be to get these experiences occurring to us. We are very clear this was not our choice, our doing or in our control. We assume our self concept happened to us and now we have to live with it.

Here's three, very common, initial self concepts that defy change:

We may embrace the very troubling self-concept that we are really nobody inside, pretending to be someone on the outside. We create a mask that hides how it feels to disappear when we are not the center of attention. We insist on showing off incessantly to chase after that elusive sense of validity, acceptability and significance in the lives of others. When we are immersed in a milieu of perfectionists, workaholics, control freaks or needy adults, this "nobody inside" concept is the likely outcome. We cannot find ourselves when others face us. We endure "unmet narcissistic needs". We don't get to be mirrored respectfully, reflected back coherently and oriented in ways where a consistent self concept emerges. We feel abused when we get ignored. This lack in our lives creates the dilemma of trying to change our self concept when it feels we really don't have one to begin with.

We may also form a self concept amidst a constant barrage of criticism, complaints, blame and false accusations. We grasp the significance of what we are experiencing. We realize we need to come up with our own confidence, pride, recognition and self-assertion -- or it won't happen. We develop the self concept of a "prima donna" and fail to realize what's happened. We know we're right every time. We're cocksure about what to do. We notice we're superior to everyone around us. We let it be known that we don't need any friendly advice, collegial input or other perspectives. We feel abused when we get criticism and blow up when it occurs because it seems excessive and ill founded. Any change in self concept appears to implicate taking more criticism, losing self respect, and listening to envious inferiors. The change appears absurd to consider.

We may form a self concept that harbors crippling inferiority, insecurities and neediness. We've endured countless degrading experiences. We experience ourselves being starved for anything that will build our confidence, conquer our self doubts and challenge our internalized contempt. This self concept forms around other's estimation of us. We conform to other's expectations to get their approval and avoid their rejection. We figure out how to stay on the good side, tell them what they want to hear and appear as no danger to their raging beast within. We constantly need to build ourselves up by tearing other's down or hoping our association with glamourous individuals rubs off on us. The oscillate between putting others on pedestals above our lowly stature and demonizing others as we look down on them from our superior elevation. We experience realistic appraisals as abuse. We lose our grip when faced with what others see, what really happened or what we're really feeling. We cannot change our self concept because it won't hold still. One minute we're conceited, the next we're ashamed. We've the extremes covered and cannot find the middle when who we are is dependent on others' approval.

When our self concept changes from any of these three initial formulations, the experience is life changing. The change in self concept is transformational and boggles our minds. It's a change we did not anticipate or could conceive of from inside our imposed ideas of who we must be according to others.

(to be continued on: Using feedback to change identities)

Believing in receiving abuse

minh left wonderful comment on my last post "Hard wired to flip/flop" that I've pasted into here for everyone to see.

Tom this is not a considered response but are you saying that abused children are "getting secret satisfaction from getting abused"? They want the abuse to stop.
Are you (& Freud), saying the the death instinct is hard wired? That we want to die? That the the animal frozen in the headlights is somehow emotionally complicit in the ensuing carnage? My understanding, to date, of this behaviour is that staying still may render you invisible to a predator whose visual processing is sensitive to movement. Playing possum. Baby animals are often spotted as a camouflage for when stillness is the correct response.

Prey animals don't surrender - most carnivore hunts fail - the wildebeest juvenile attacked by the lioness struggles fiercely & some escape.

Is what you're getting at - habitual abuse- the abuse where the recipient normalises the situation? The endocrine system is certainly going to come into play here & set up activate addictive potential.

Thanks for adding some awesome refinements to what I wrote here. Your insight into the frozen state of body/mind as camouflage seems more right to me -- than my characterization of it as accepting the fate of being breakfast for a predator.

I'm drawing parallels in this between our conduct and our states of mind. That led me to draw the connection between our helpless, whining stagnation in life and acting motionless in danger. As you inferred, I am dealing with chronic abuse, habitual suffering and perpetual confinement to limiting experiences. The endocrine system has an opportunity to become dependent on the toxic stimulation and form an addictive pattern.

You're also right about our having a fight response, just like the instinctual, hardwired flight and freeze responses. Just because we getting attacked, does not mean we'll take it lying down. Adrenalin empowers our running away at full speed for 30 minutes to escape predators. It also pumps us up to go on the attack, intimidate opponents and ambush those we cannot defeat head on.

I understand the death instinct to be all that is the polar opposite of the pleasure principle. It's wanting to suffer, to be punished for guilty pleasures, to feast on a famine of love, to thrive on deprivation of respect, to feel special from getting abandoned, and to enjoy the "bad karma" of our envy, hatred and self pity.

The idea of "secret satisfaction" ties into the psychology of self concept, identity formation and internalized shame. We may think we deserve abuse because we are unworthy of respect, have no experience with getting validated, or see no conflict in being a doormat. It fits are pictures to be in harms way -- so we accept it. We say things like: "whatever", "I'm cursed with this", "It's something I'm called to endure". In our experience, abuse always happens eventually and never stops permanently. We learn from experience to expect it, enable it, and take satisfaction in experiencing our assumed fate.

When we really want abuse to stop, it does. We step outside the food chain. We change our minds, self concepts, underlying stories and expectations. We not longer set it up, dream it up or pray that it happens again. We come from a very different place that validates us from the start. We expect respect, freedom from our past history, a break in familiar patterns of interaction and changes in how we see ourselves. We get what we newly expect once we stop regressing into old patterns, familiar dangers and comfort zones of "taking abuse for granted".

There's plenty of hypocrisy among those who say they want abuse to stop. They say they want it to "stop" and give the "go sign" to their abuser. They fail to admit to themselves how they ask for abuse with their insecurities, believe in receiving it and prefer it over abandonment. Their power to choose, change and pose an unfamiliar threat to their predator -- are all in shadow, denial, or unconscious awareness.

Getting it together calls for genuine empowerment, not New Year's Resolutions about change, affirmations or goal setting. A change is self concept, fate and underlying facts of life is deep. It's a fourth order change that changes everything.

The necessary outlook for this transformation embraces paradoxes that defy logical thinking. A predator is a threat and an opportunity. Abuse is unwanted and a useful lesson. Change is highly motivated and highly resisted. Fear is part of the problem and part of the solution.

Thanks for evoking all this added clarity!

Third and fourth order change

In a previous post, I explored the distinction between first and second order change -- change that oscillates and change that endures. Both of these kinds of change view the problem as real. The need for change is a fact, and all that remains debatable is how to go about changing. Second order change is an improvement on first order change. We fix how we are going to fix what's wrong.

Bruce Ecker and Laura Hulley developed in the concepts of third and fourth order change in their 1996 book: Depth Oriented Brief Therapy. They were noticing their clients coming to realizations that changed their lives profoundly. Clients were changing their cosmology of how life works, what happens to them when they take actions and what it pays to do. Perfectionists began to take satisfaction in the accomplishments that now seemed good enough. Painfully shy people began to make friends and became interesting to know as well. Sex fiends began to see the objects of their extreme desires as complex, fascinating people with feelings of their own, a need for understanding, an appetite for tenderness and valuing of freedom to choose.

They characterized these as third and fourth order changes. Second order change only reframes the problem as "wounded inner children" or some other creative diagnosis. Third order change reframes the problem as a solution in use. It is neither unconscious, unknowing or useless. There is a pro-symptom position maintaining the problem (i.e. perfectionism, shyness, sexual predation) as a way to avoid danger, manipulate control freaks, handle threats or manage chronic problems. This non-pathological diagnosis opens the space for fourth order change. A pro/anti synthesis realizes the best of both positions. The value of the solution in use and the perception of problem both get realized as valid.

Fourth order change revises the long-established, limiting "facts of life". The relentless danger is no longer oppressive, everywhere and always a problem. The control freaks are no longer in control, intimidating or credible. The apparent threats are actually opportunities to strut one's stuff, respond to the challenge or play with the possibilities. The chronic problems are easily vanished by creating desirable experiences instead.

When changes run this deep, third order changes revise strategies. There's more than one way for a former perfectionist to value his/her accomplishments, progress and intentions. There several ways for an ex-shy person to express interest in others and create activities to pursue together. There are countless avenues for retired sex fiends to be romantic, affectionate, respectful and sensitive. The world we live out from within -- is transformed by coming to these realizations.

Seeing double

When we're angry, we are filled with rage at the world as it appears to us. We are inflamed with a burning issue that cannot be resolved with the world as is. We are on fire with desire for a different world to live in.

Where we go wrong is to take "the world" literally. We think, incorrectly, that the world to fix is the one on the outside. We assume there is only one real world and our five senses tell us the truth about that. We dismiss our inner world as mere mind stuff, worries and unreliable moods.

When we've spent lots of time in reflective practice, we get a different sense of our inner lives. The world inside becomes equally real to the outside one. At some point it becomes the only world that's real. It appears as consciousness to us that cannot be born or die, only continue eternally.

Once we've realized how our inner world is partly or totally real, we are seeing double. When we get angry we have a new place to go. We can consider how to change the world of our beliefs. We get that the world as it appears outside us is a representation of the world we believe in deeply.

The world we can change within us is comprised of our 'facts of life". We believe in what cannot be changed by us. We assume certain rules are the way the world works for us, our particular fate, and how we've been cursed or blessed in this life.

We've learned this inner world by experience. We've graduated from the school of hard knocks. Life has taught us how to limit ourselves, fear for our survival, join in consensual anxieties and feel guilty about our happiness.

This belief system works like film in a movie projector. It creates appearances that reflect, validate and perpetuate the recorded assumptions. It sends out signs of what is believed so deeply it appears as unchangeable facts of life.

This is the world we are on fire to change when we get angry. If we are seeing double, we know which world to change, and which will happen to change on its own when we succeed at the inner transformation.

Beyond contradictory experiences

It's obvious when people we know have experienced too much criticism, invalidation, betrayal or abandonment. They believe it will happen again. They live in danger of continuing to experience what they don't want to happen. As far as they can tell, they cannot change their minds about what happens to them. What continues to come to mind is more worries, dread and dark forecasts for the future. We've all been in this kind of pain ourselves, too.

We've all had moments of providing contradictory experiences to other people in pain. We've given compliments to the over-criticized, encouragement to those that got shot down, follow-thru on our commitments to the over-betrayed and "being there" for those who dread neglect. In spite of our good intentions, the effects of our breaking from their past does not break their pattern. Their beliefs in danger are usually more robust than our "showing them a contradictory time". We fall short of providing a life-changing experience. Our caring appears to them as a fluke, not a change in their facts of life. They believe the danger in their life is real and the safety we provide is unreliable. They live in their traumatic past.

As I've reflected on this lately, I've realized that contradictory experiences are necessary, but not sufficient. We need to change where we are coming from to provide life changing experiences to others. When we merely act differently, we are coming from a place where the evidence of our five senses is real and our minds deal with this reality as best they can. To transform someone's belief in danger, it's not enough to provide an experience of safety in their world of evidence.

We can get to a place where the world of sensory evidence is an after-effect of our thinking. We realize are minds are real and the world deals with how it appears to us as we really mind it. We can change our minds and transform our personal history, belief in danger and subsequent experiences of safety. We go beyond contradictory experiences to closure.

Whenever we decide that dangers are real, we've had an incomplete experience. We've been over-criticized without experiencing immediate compliments that sets things right. We been shot down without getting built up again. We've experienced betrayals without recompense, restitution or justice. We've endured too much abandonment without returning to safe enclosures, protection from a reoccurrence and credible reassurances.

When our minds are real, we can change our history in mind. We can imagine closure of those incomplete experiences. We can close out the story that left us in danger. We can bring the turn of events in our imagination full circle. We can be safe in our minds and watch the world of evidence conform to our new outlook upon it.

We cannot change our deepest beliefs in danger when the world of sensory evidence seems unquestionably real. We cannot change a movie on the screen when we're seated in the audience. However, we can change the film in our mind when the world appears to be a movie we projected onto a blank screen. We can live in safety as we've imagined it in our mind's experience. We go beyond contradicting our past history, to completing it.

Leading by seeing

When we lead by seeing, we take others to the place we're looking forward to. We see what this could become, where things are headed and what lies ahead that's different from present circumstances. We expect others' beliefs will change by following our lead. We show them the way to go to where we're coming from.

When the blind lead the blind, nobody sees alternatives, opportunities and freedom ahead. The blind leaders see more of the same old misery. The situation calls for business as usual and 'full steam ahead". There's all the usual suspects, dangers and difficulties. Nothing is mysterious, fascinating or worth exploring.

The blind followers are equally oblivious to what visionaries are seeing. There's no way to follow the lead of one who sees because that route appears foolish. They know better than to trust the judgement of unconventional, imaginative and creative types. Their minds are already made up. Their hardening of the categories rules out weird interpretations and speculations.

When people follow a leader who sees, they see the wisdom in what is pictured. They see for themselves what is envisioned. They value the possibilities that come with imaginative forecasts. They see where it things might lead if they follow the beat of a different drummer. They change their beliefs by acting AS-IF the leader is not blind. They see a similar future, look forward to similar changes and prepare for better times ahead.

Leading by seeing changes beliefs. The followers believe in moving forward rather than faith in stagnation, conservatism or regression. They withdraw their belief in the status quo, the inevitability of continuity and their previous dedication to maintaining established institutions. They believe in things unseen. They trust that what is not here yet will be by believing in its emergence. They see what a difference it makes to believe. They stop doubting, dismissing or despairing at what might happen. They keep the dream alive.

Visionary leadership

Visionary leaders act AS-IF the future will be different than present circumstances. They act AS-IF the future they envision will come about by acting AS-IF it's emerging now. They believe in creating a desired future by imagining that it's possible, how it will play out and what differences it will make. They experience their vivid imaginations building their own convictions in this future. They make it easier to act AS-IF their future is coming about by acting AS-IF it is already unfolding. They utilize the dynamics of self-fulfilling prophesies intentionally. They comprehend the power of "so be it".

We bloggers are visionary leaders, We are acting AS-IF authority is distributed among us, diverse voices have significant validity and self expression is essential to networked endeavors. As we act AS-IF this is true, it's becoming true in our world of hard data and convincing proofs of substantive changes. By acting AS-IF the world can be different in this way, the world is conforming to our beliefs. So be it.

Visionary leaders affect others with fluid belief systems. It takes personal experiences with changing AS-IF's to be free to change one's AS-IF's at will. Experiences with acting out of character, putting on masks, and playing different parts are ideal for changing AS-IF's. No one "act" seems real. Rather the process of acting and experiencing different AS-IF's are real.

The living examples and inspired messages fail to affect others with rigid belief systems. The lack of experience with changing AS-IF's eliminates responding to a leader's influence. There's no messing around with roles, characters or acting. When belief systems are rigid, the situation is really serious, dangerous, even deadly. The troubles are obviously overwhelming, threatening and intimidating. The life experience is incessantly limiting, confining and difficult. There's no way to play around with what is necessitated and no way to skirt around the burdensome obligations.

Rigid belief systems create living nightmares. More bad stuff happens by believing the apparent dangers are a fact of life. Belief systems do not become fluid through day-to-day experiences. Fluidity comes about though disorienting experiences like initiations. The rigid belief system loses reliability as real-life experiences reveal the system cannot handle disarming, unexplainable and mind boggling changes. A breakup of rigid convictions precedes the breakthrough into fluid beliefs.

Forming new beliefs

Revising a deeply-held belief is a life-changing experience. Different thoughts, ideas and solutions come to mind. We respond to situations differently, We feel unfamiliar emotions in familiar circumstances. We anticipate a different future than before. We experience all these changes from a change in a belief.

Changing a belief is also quite an experience in itself. A belief may change with no effort at all. A belief may take some time to be revised. A belief may persist while we insist on harboring a different belief. A belief may sabotage what we want to believe and make us appear foolish for hoping and wishing for a change. The experience of changing a belief is created by our beliefs about changing our beliefs.

Beliefs serve a purpose. When we oppose that purpose, beliefs don't change. We try to change the belief and fail. Our beliefs go deeper into our unconscious where we cannot mess with them. When the value the purpose of a belief, we change the context of that belief. We create an experience of safety, freedom from the past and room to maneuver. We believe in the possibility of our beliefs changing easily and naturally.

Lots of our beliefs get formed during traumatic episodes. We get the idea there is no safety in our situation. We are obviously in grave danger, threatened by what's changing and faced with enemies who's intentions are to harm us. We make up our minds to survive in spite of the abuse. We believe the dangers are a fact of life, our curse to live with and something to believe in forever. We internalize the unavoidable abuse and create an endless series of reenactments -- with these dark beliefs in the seemingly real dangers.

Beliefs generate further evidence that they are true. They put a spin on what happens that justifies their existence. They bring thoughts to our minds and feelings to our bodies that fuel the same old reactions to what shows up. There appears to be no way to question the underlying structure since the deeply held beliefs are obviously continuing to be applicable, valid and reasonable.

Other beliefs get formed in moments of saving grace. We are plucked out of imminent danger. We are freed from those nightmarish episodes we relentlessly manufacture. We get a feeling this experience is real and could happen again. We experience different thoughts, ideas and solutions coming to mind. We notice we have different inclinations and urges when challenges appear.

When we have conflicting beliefs from experiences of abuse and saving grace, we act inconsistently. We have a demon giving us advice on one shoulder and an angel on the other. We are torn between feeling threatened and safe. We're getting ideas for reacting defensively and responding creatively. We see dangers ahead and opportunities in them. We cannot make up our mind when the underlying basis for being decisive is conflicted.

When we remain outer-directed, our dark and conflicting beliefs are locked in place. There's no changing what we already believe until we go within and mess around with the facts of life. (... to be continued)

So be it

When we assume there is nothing better to do, we will do nothing better. So be it.

When we operate on the premise that learning is a struggle, we will do what it takes to experience learning as a struggle. So be it.

When we choose to establish our inferiority and insecurities as a fact of our miserable life, we act as if these limitations are inevitable, irrefutable and unchangeable. So be it.

When we choose to believe we are talented, creative and resourceful regardless of our past history, we will act as if these gifts are ready available and a joy to play with. So be it.

When we believe in our hearts that we have to make things happen for things to change, we will ignore, deny and disregard all evidence of change falling into place, emerging without effort or growing from a tiny seed. So be it.

When we assume that changes happen all the time, without effort and naturally, we will realize ways to let things happen and nurture what's coming about naturally.

When we are convinced that our imagination is only good for wishful thinking, sexual fantasies and rescue scenarios, we will experience our imagination as daydreaming, wasting time and losing touch with reality. So be it.

When we assume our imagination is our source of great ideas, new possibilities and inspired things to say, our imagination will deliver on our premise as promised. So be it.

We are always being what is so for us. There is no way to avoid "so be it".

Revising underlying structure

When we're busy with what needs to be done, there's no underlying structure anywhere in sight. When we're devoted to being ourselves, we cannot be someone else. We are preoccupied with maintaining the upper level of evidence by doing things. We are caught up in the emergent products of the underlying structure with no idea "where that came from?" or "why that fall apart?".

We are oscillating between one extreme and the other if the underlying structure is in conflict. We cannot make up our minds, settle on one alternative or stick with a change once it's been made. We are stuck in first gear and stagnant as a swamp -- if the underlying structure embodies "one right answer". In one case we cannot stop changing. In the other we cannot change.

For example, individuals may believe that work and play don't mix and constantly need the other to feel alright about themselves. They are never satisfied at work or having fun. Others believe play is disgraceful and only work is respectable. They cannot stop working, come home without work or take a break from work to relax.

An enterprise that assumes "the customer is always right" will change with every fad and fancy of their fickle patrons. A company that assumes it knows what is good for the "stupid" customers, (patients, students, subscribers, clients, etc) will continue to do what it has always done regardless of how times have changed, complaints have multiplied or rivals have redefined the market.

When we are free to reflect on patterns in the fluctuations or stagnation, we may discern some of the underlying structure. We may recognize hidden beliefs, assumptions, premises and "unalterable" facts of life. We may see how everything that happens on top is true the form of the underlies it. We may realize the futility of changing the behavior while making no change in what drives the behavior. We become conscious of what needs changing and what will fall into place without making it happen. We are free of "trying to change". We have become capable of "changing without effort".

If the underlying structure is stuck on some ideal that rejects the opposite, revising the structure to "it takes both" will get things moving again. World class performance in business occurs when employees are told to comply with policy AND deviate from policy when appropriate. Student test performance improves with studying AND sleep.

If the underlying structure is conflicted about "how it takes both", low class performance results. The employees will oscillate between over compliance and excessive deviance. The students will study too hard and sleep through the test period. Then the underlying structure needs to be revised to realize the "best of both" alternatives. Compliance and deviance get combined into a validation of individual judgment and cultivation of employee awareness of long term implications of their choices. The students discovers how to cut down on study time by sleeping regularly and getting better test results with less brain-dead studying.

Often all it takes to revise an underlying structure is an added distinction that complicates the established premises without rejecting them.