Creating spaces for healing

There's no straightforward approach to creating spaces for healing. When it's obvious how we shut down the space, the opposite approach is just as bad. Spaces are not things. We cannot apply the same methods that work with tools or objects and expect to succeed. Spaces emerge from cognitive complexity. Here are some ways to think through your options all the way to creating some emergent space for healing the working wounded.

• We eliminate space when we shoot the messenger who delivers bad news about us. However, we will feel shot down if we let the messenger deliver the news of our incompetence, neglect or other shortcomings. We create space for healing when we let the messenger know we're getting a different message from the one delivered and we're grateful for the messenger's efforts. Rather than feel attacked, we use the delivered message to uncover our own bind spots, take an unfamiliar perspective or see ourselves as others often see us. We go to a space of self acceptance that provides added space for putting the messenger 's mind at ease.
• We destroy space when we label, categorize and stereotype what we're seeing. We do this when we're apprehensive about what has shown up. We're no better off when we disregard, overlook or dismiss what we're seeing. We create space when we see that there is more than one side to this. We consider what we're not seeing, what's hidden from our point of view and what needs further examination to be seen clearly. We express desires to see more and to see in different ways.  Amidst all this exploratory seeing, space for healing emerges. We've entered a space where past history gets transformed by seeing it differently and then by valuing the new seeing more than the old story. 
• We trash the space when we mirror what's in our face and on our case. When we're feeling our emotional pain, we're compelled to resist what is resisting us, judge who judges us,and vehemently  oppose our opposition. We get into a vicious cycle with no obvious escape. The space still eludes us if get bullied, intimidated or stepped on like a door mat. The situation calls for letting go of our insisting on being right or persisting in trying to win at all cost. We no longer fall for the same old pattern of mutual torment. Then space emerges from offering choices to consider and alternatives to explore. We come from a space that gives others freedom from their urgent necessities and chronic struggles. 
• We shut down the space when we pathologize the symptoms of another's underlying pain. We're inclined to do this when we're wounded. We will awfulize the unfortunate condition, demonize the unpopular motives and catastrophize the disturbing effects on others. We're no closer to creating space if we rule out complaints about those symptoms. Space is created for third and fourth order changes from a synthesis of pro-symptom and anti-symptom positions. We share a space where it takes both viewpoints to get it right and balanced in a dynamic equilibrium. 

In these emergent spaces for healing, the working wounded change their minds easily. They stop making themselves miserable and start creating experiences they really enjoy. They realize slight changes in their outlooks that make big changes in how they get seen, treated and engaged by others. Their presence gets transformed in ways that are good for collaborative endeavors and creative projects.

Watching for healing spaces

Healing occurs in the space between two people. It's not a job for heroics or solo efforts. Yet it cannot happen when a space gets demolished by clingy to others with chronic insecurities. Healing spaces also get trashed by distancing control freaks, critics and cynics. The space must feel safe enough to let down one's guard and open up. It must not feel too spacious that gives the feeling of abandonment, isolation or getting put on display. The space needs to be just right.

There is usually no space for healing to occur between any two members of the wounded workforce. The woundedness in each shuts down that in-between space where minds could open, truth could be told and problems could get redefined. It does not feel safe to admit to being damaged or to confess one's guilty worries to someone acting out their pain or keeping up pretenses of being "fine". It seems foolish to act vulnerable or exposed when it's likely to result in abuse, mockery, deceptions, betrayals or manipulation.  It seems realistic to expect more that same mistreatment that created the woundedness in the first place.

Those who are "wounded healers" can create spaces that members of the wounded workforce cannot do for themselves. The wounded healers' own damage establishes rapport and sympathy with others' pain. These healers' own journeys give room for others' healing processes to unfold. The healers' experiences provide numerous insights into underlying issues and next steps to take. The common ground provides a solid basis for making changes.

There's no guarantee that wounded healers can create these potentially healing spaces. Their own damage may take others hostage and demand displays of hero worship, approval seeking and personal sacrifice. The healers' wounds can also deplete their helpfulness into their clinging desperately or wallowing in self pity. In these quagmires, rapport gets replaced by collusion and commiseration. The space for journeys to unfold gets defiled into a stuck story where no progress can be made. The commonality becomes shaky ground where no one can either stand up for themselves, say "no" to others demands or take responsibility for their own conduct. The space gets filled with entanglements of wishy washy and overbearing dramatics.

There are lots of methods for creating healing spaces. In this post I've used one of them: exploring a visual metaphor. Notice how we've moved around, found different places and felt like there is room to maneuver in here. In my next post, I'll share several more methods that work for me.

Healing the wounded workforce

When we're mired deeply into working in hierarchical ways, we don't realize we're card-carrying members of the wounded workforce. We assume we're no worse off than coworkers, managers and direct reports. We accept our condition as human nature or the cost of doing business. We're not looking for answers, solutions or changes. We have not raised a question, defined a problem or considered a change. We're content to continue working in hierarchical ways.

It's only when a crisis occurs that questions get raised. The reliable bureaucracy lays off senior staff. The steady employment becomes sporadic. The manageable workload becomes overbearing. Then it become possible to consider one's own blind spots, assumptions and errors of omission. That's when it becomes possible consider healing the wounded workforce that previously did not seem wounded or in need of healing. Here's how I approach some of that healing work:

When working adults endure the condition labelled "unmet dependency needs", they will get over it by getting those needs met. It's never to late to experience a positive parental figure. The person who is meeting the ongoing need to depend on someone more mature -- must be aware of what's occurring. Therapists get trained to watch for the dynamics of positive transference where they get over-used as surrogate parental figures. Counselors are wary of becoming too dependable and never cultivating healthy boundaries, distance and detachment in the relationship. I've found mentoring works better for both the helper and the one getting helped than therapy or counseling models. There's a project, goal or problem getting worked on. The dependency needs are not the main focus. The helpful role combines some parenting with coaching, advising and delegating. There are things to get accomplished while getting those dependency needs met. Those getting helped express a lot of appreciation in my experience. Most have a long history of repeat encounters with negative parent figures which makes my appearance seem very out-of-the-ordinary.

When working adults appear to be living in the past, they're avoiding the future and the present moment. Getting them to set goals and make plans for the future rarely works. It amounts to first order change that goes from one extreme to the other. Focusing together on the present moment is usually more effective. On their own, these adults have never realized how much has changed and how they've become a different person. The present does not include any of the past they've been dreading, avoiding and carrying around with themselves. In the now moment, they discover they are free to be a new person facing new opportunities with fresh perspectives. they acquire some solid ground for letting go of their past regrets, guilt trips, anxieties and stuck stories.

When working adults are pretending to be satisfied with accomplishments and acquisitions labelled by others as "symbolic gratification", they are in no shape to shape up. They will defy others trying to fix them or straighten them out. They do not want any unsolicited advice and they are not seeking any either. They have idealized some perfect version of who they can become -- while creating a dark side with lots of unacceptable traits, inclinations and desires. This self-image calls for lots of convincing evidence to prop up it's false pretenses. Any contradiction to these idealized ambitions feels devastating, shattering and profoundly disorienting. A better entry into their world can be found by creating the space for them to let down their guard, admit their fatigue and complain about a lack of genuine satisfaction. They are usually so caught up in meeting others' expectations, they do not what they really want or really feel. They need to feel accepted for who they are when they are not performing and trying to impress others. They need a mirror that sees their dark side as worthy of acceptance, understanding and eventual integration.

When working adults are over-thinking their inner conflicts, they are getting nowhere quickly. They are torn between the irreconcilable poles of a personal dilemma. There appears to be no middle ground, winning combination or way to keep both extremes in balance. They need another person to formulate the paradox by seeing the good and bad in both sides. Their inner conflict does not call for compromise. Rather, there's a resolution possible when considered more abstractly as compatible interests, useful functions or aligned purposes. Their inner conflict makes most too tense to see their own way to this outcome. It takes the serenity, detachment and compassion of another to sort out the conflict into a beneficial paradox.