Diagnosing any cheating

When we've discovered some evidence of cheating, we're in for some serious learning. Things are not as they appear. When we take the evidence at face value, we flunk the lesson on what's really going on here. It's often beyond our level of tolerance to take responsibility for others' cheating or to look at our own conduct as a provocation, invitation and reciprocation. Here's some ways to "check out the cheating" and make a better diagnosis of it.

1. Are the cheaters feeling already cheated of a fair deal that makes their also cheating to be fair game in their minds?
2. Are the cheaters getting cheated out of an authentic relationship, experience or education by some bogus routine, contrived exercise or pseudo claim of purpose?
3. Are the cheaters creating meaningful retaliation for being made to jump through hoops that appear devoid of significance, value and intrinsic rewards?
4. Are the cheaters upset with your acting like a loser, sucker or doormat that sets up a much-needed disruption of your disgraceful conduct?
5. Are the cheaters competing with your power over them as if they deserve more respect, voice and equal footing in their relationships with you?
6. Are the cheaters giving you a taste of your own medicine as you withhold from them what you really want reciprocated, reflected and respected among all of you?
7. Are the cheaters acting out their frustrations with not getting understood by you, pictured accurately by you or framed with optimism by you?

If you answer to any of these questions is "Yes", then the cheating you've uncovered will go into remission by revising your own conduct, outlook and framing of them. You can be the change you want to see in your circumstances. Change your mind and you will change your world.

1. Are the cheaters taking their frustrations out on you because you will understand them while the real target of their anger will assuredly abuse them?
2. Are the cheaters pressured by peers to defy stereotypical authority figures in order to maintain membership in their exclusive tribe?
3. Are the cheaters getting rewarded for cheating by achieving less workload and more free time, or less boredom and more inviting challenges?
4. Are the cheaters creating a challenge to prove to themselves their own prowess which gets frequently belittled, disregarded or framed as defective?
5. Are the cheaters caught up in a bad habit that appears to be working for them so long as they ignore their effects on others?
6. Are the cheaters downplaying their opportunities, potentials and hidden talents out of fear of getting hatred, envied or abused by significant others?
7. Are the cheaters conforming to an imposed self concept of inadequacy to avoid distancing themselves from toxic caregivers?

If you answer any of this second set of questions with "Yes", then the elimination of cheating depends on a change in the cheater. You can say how you see the pattern in their conduct and understand more of their predicament for them. It will feel to them that you have gotten off their case and into their corner. You can see more dimensions to the cheating than they do while looking through their eyes, adopting their viewpoint and walking in their shoes. You can join their side of the conflicts created by cheating as if there is validity in what they really want and what appears to be missing. You can speak their mind in a way that gives them the space to change their minds.