Resistance is a form of cooperation

When it's our intention to get everyone understood, we're on the right track. People will buy-in to the change we're promoting without a big sales pitch. The "tough sell" will become easy. The people who are feeling understood will sell themselves on following through on the change. It make sense to them on their own terms. They will tag the change we want as: "useful", "in my favor", "good for us" or "needed improvement".

Instead of overcoming the resistance, we see the resistance as a sign of what is misunderstood or not-yet-understood. It helps us get everyone understood when people start whining, complaining, objecting and opposing the change. We see what other issues to address or reconsider.

When it's our intention to get everyone understood, we are coming from a place of inclusion. We're acting like "we're all in this together". We represent the idea that there is no winning at other's expense; only everybody wins or everybody loses in this. We convince people with our actions and act on our principle of mutual respect.

When people feel understood, they do not need to get attention in hopes of getting understood. There's no need for further whining. When there's no need to get attention, there's also no urge to get even for not getting enough attention. The use of resistance as retaliation vanishes. Meanwhile, when people feel understood, they feel inclined to understand others. They open up to other viewpoints. The change they opposed becomes understandable.

Lots of people cannot adopt the intention to get everyone understood. They appear to have high control needs, low tolerance of ambiguity and lots of fears. They experience a crisis when someone else is right. They cannot handle contradictions gracefully. They have the effect on other's of making them feel misunderstood, wronged, blamed or stupid.

When Steve de Shazer first proposed that "resistance is a form of cooperation", his idea met resistance. The idea appeared to not understand therapists, social workers and change agents who take resistance literally. It made those people wrong who make other people wrong. It handed out "a taste of their medicine" to those who cannot intend to get everyone understood.

The resistance to seeing resistance as a form of cooperation taught me a big lesson. No amount of refining the intended change will get it right. Only getting everyone understood works. Misunderstand people and we miss out on changes falling into place. Get the message in the resistance and we get the change accepted easily.

Technorati tags: change models, transformational change